HOUSTON — In an exclusive leak, Union City Post uncovered an insidious plan by the United States Air Force. By combining female pheromones with warfare, the Air Force planned to drop giant gay bombs upon our enemies, transforming them into raging homosexuals.
WASHINGTON–On Saturday, Iran announced a travel ban on all U.S. citizens, according to Reuters. Only one year since the historic Iran Nuclear Deal was implemented, relations between Washington and Tehran seem to be unexpectedly souring.
“While respecting the American people…Iran will implement [a travel ban on all American citizens],” a statement from the Iranian foreign ministry said. Iranian president Hassan Rouhani has stated that actions taken by newly-inaugurated American president Trump are a “gift to extremists,” signifying a significant Iranian realignment back to extreme anti-Americanism.
Seen by many Americans as an act of war, Rouhani’s decision to ban all travel comes at a very critical point in relations between the United States and Iran.
On Tuesday morning, Iran-backed Houthi rebels attacked a Saudi warship off of the coast of Yemen. Reports confirm that the rebels were yelling “Death to America, death to Israel” while firing missiles at the Saudi ship. According to this coalition, three suicide vessels were also involved with the attack on this ship.
On Monday, the Iranian military conducted a ballistic missile test. According to United States officials, this was a clear violation of a resolution passed by the United Nations soon after the Iran Nuclear Deal was approved. Per U.N. resolution 2231, Iran was very clearly not allowed to conduct these nuclear tests.
The future of Washington-Tehran relations looks bleak, and with the hardline stance taken by president Trump combined with the increasing extremism and acts of war from Rouhani, the United States may be looking at a serious conflict in the middle east very soon.
WASHINGTON — Recent tensions between POTUS and NATO leaders has led to a proposal of withdrawal by American president Trump. Trump, threatening to drop out due to the most NATO members not spending the agreed 2% GDP on defense, has faced opposition from across the Atlantic. Angela Merkel, Prime Minister of Germany, issued a statement condemning Trump’s proposal to withdraw:
This will result in a less secure, and less safe Europe. It is unacceptable for America to actually make us pay for our own defense. Who do you think we are? I call for President Trump to reconsider this proposal, as Europeans simply cannot afford a military. Without America, Europe is a goner. Please, President Trump, reconsider this.
Putin has expressed serious interest in American politics for the past few months, and, in an email sent to Trump, claimed that the two administrations would unite under a “golden shower” of success.
SEATTLE — Local officials were shocked to see an innocent Christmas tree maimed by a barbaric atheist yesterday evening.
WARNING: DISTASTEFUL IMAGERY BELOW
The Seattle District Attorney is launching an investigation and will press charges against the perpetrator. Meanwhile, friends and family of Mr. Tree mourn their loss.
In an unexpected twist of events, Donald J. Trump, the newly elected 45th President, declares that he will order a wall on the US-Canadian border. In an interview with Union City Post, Trump says:
The Canadians are terrible. They send their worst. The snobby, the sorry, and the cold. America doesn’t need that. We need to make America great again. Canada and Canadians are simply a problem that needs to be solved. We will solve it with a big, beautiful wall, just like the one with Mexico. We will get Canada to pay for it too. We also need to fight ISIS, but to do that, we must fight Canada first.
The Trump administration did not reply with a request for further comment.