New Technology Reduces Lifespans, Millenials Overjoyed

BOSTON — The Massachusetts Institute of Technology recently prototyped a new machine that may quickly become the next big thing among youngsters today. The lead developer, Martin Colfer, created the first appliance that helps those of us who continue to waste oxygen finally quit the habit. Dubbed the “Unbreather”, the device consists of nylon fiber wound into a circle, called the “noose”, paired with a metal cylinder, called a “bucket”, that goes underneath the nylon piece. The user places their neck inside the fiber section, gets on the metal cylinder, and then kicks the bucket.

College sophomore Ashley Reefs is excited about the development, noting:

I’ve been shopping wide and far to finally end my miserable little life, and the good fellows at MIT might just have solved my problems once and for all. You see, I’m SICK of those darned scientists and engineers constantly developing new machinery that only extends my life. They never stop for a moment and ask if I wanted to end it short. Now, I can. I know what I’ll be getting myself this Christmas!

Reefs plans on purchasing at least 3 more Unbreathers before the year ends. She hopes to impress her friends with such thoughtful gifts. The developers at MIT note that this is a fabulous celebratory gift for anyone at anytime.

Unbreathers go on sale in May 2017, with an MSRP of $69.99

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Sen. Mitch McConnell being investigated for ties to Russia

The US intelligence community has launched an investigation into Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, focusing on the Senator’s ties to Russian government officials.

The US intelligence community has launched an investigation into Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, focusing on the Senator’s ties to Russian government officials. These investigations began as the CIA task force designed to investigate the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia found references to the Senate Majority Leader in their probes. This task force, consisting of the Treasury and Justice departments, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, the FBI, and the National Security Agency found recordings of conversations suggesting strategic cooperation between McConnell and the Kremlin during Trump’s presidency.

McClatchy and the BBC confirmed the results of these ongoing probes into McConnell’s ties with Russia. National Intelligence chairman Devin Nunes (R-Calif.) along with Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif.) today announced a joint probe into McConnell’s cooperation with Russia as well as possible interference of the presidential election. Nunes and Schiff asked the intelligence community to turn all documents over related to their investigation, stating that  “it will not be adequate to review these documents, expected to be in the thousands of pages, at the agencies. They should be delivered to the House Intelligence Committee to provide members adequate time to examine their content.”

The intelligence community has already concluded that Russia intended to influence the result of the presidential election, and have begun to look deeper into ties between the Kremlin and US government officials.

Multiple democrats, along with Rep. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Rep. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) have pushed further to call for investigations between the intelligence community and congress into Russia’s exact role in the 2016 presidential election. Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell have rejected any attempt at bringing a committee together and have suggested conducting separate probes.

Trump Orders Northern Border Wall

In an unexpected twist of events, Donald J. Trump, the newly elected 45th President, declares that he will order a wall on the US-Canadian border. In an interview with Union City Post, Trump says:

The Canadians are terrible. They send their worst. The snobby, the sorry, and the cold. America doesn’t need that. We need to make America great again. Canada and Canadians are simply a problem that needs to be solved. We will solve it with a big, beautiful wall, just like the one with Mexico. We will get Canada to pay for it too. We also need to fight ISIS, but to do that, we must fight Canada first.

The Trump administration did not reply with a request for further comment.