New Technology Reduces Lifespans, Millenials Overjoyed

BOSTON — The Massachusetts Institute of Technology recently prototyped a new machine that may quickly become the next big thing among youngsters today. The lead developer, Martin Colfer, created the first appliance that helps those of us who continue to waste oxygen finally quit the habit. Dubbed the “Unbreather”, the device consists of nylon fiber wound into a circle, called the “noose”, paired with a metal cylinder, called a “bucket”, that goes underneath the nylon piece. The user places their neck inside the fiber section, gets on the metal cylinder, and then kicks the bucket.

College sophomore Ashley Reefs is excited about the development, noting:

I’ve been shopping wide and far to finally end my miserable little life, and the good fellows at MIT might just have solved my problems once and for all. You see, I’m SICK of those darned scientists and engineers constantly developing new machinery that only extends my life. They never stop for a moment and ask if I wanted to end it short. Now, I can. I know what I’ll be getting myself this Christmas!

Reefs plans on purchasing at least 3 more Unbreathers before the year ends. She hopes to impress her friends with such thoughtful gifts. The developers at MIT note that this is a fabulous celebratory gift for anyone at anytime.

Unbreathers go on sale in May 2017, with an MSRP of $69.99


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